THE TV SHOWS ARE OUT THERE PART 1

MY FAV TV SHOWS IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

Carnivale
PLOT: A young man with strange healing powers named Ben Hawkins joins a traveling carnival when it passes near his home Soon thereafter, Ben begins having surreal dreams and visions.
WHY: Strange show that freaked me out but also entertained, the show also had some great characters, no other show has a midget playing the lead role ...oh and did i mention there's a bearded lady and a comatosed psychic.
TOP BILL: The characters and the freakish style
BEST EPISODES: Milfay ( first episode) Babylon ( creepy episode) New Cannaan (final)

JUMP THE SHARK: only two season so really it never had time to jump the shark

LOIS AND CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN
PLOT: lois and clark chase stories while superman pops up now and again to save the day
WHY: lois and Clark was one of my favourite shows when i was younger, i loved the adventure and of course the romance between Lois and Clark. Teri Hatcher was a great lois Lane and i loved Dean Cains Clark Kent ..but not his superman as he appeared more like a man in costume rather than the man of steel.
SUPER BITS: Every moment featuring tempus, and the Christmas episodes were always good.
BEST EPISODES:pilot.(Great first episode, sets the story) i've got a crush on you,( Lois Lane sings) fly hard ( Black and white episode) that old gang of mine, ( Old gansters back from the dead) seaons greedings( christmas space rats ) tempus fugitive( time travel)

JUMP THE SHARK : When lois is replaced by a clone...and the clone has to eat frogs to survive ..i lost a lot of respect for the show when i saw this :(

PRISONER CELL BLOCK H
PLOT: (Snigger) Ground breaking drama set in a woman's prison
WHY: Another childhood favourite, i would beg to stay up late to see it. The show worked because it had great characters, interesting / ludicrous plots, no show has made me laugh and cry like prisoner.
BREAK OUT MOMENTS: Myra/marie's escapes, riot/fire episodes, bea v freak, lizzies surprise party
BEST EPISODES: Pilot, great fire, bea killing nola, wentworth siege, last episode

JUMP THE SHARK : alot of people would argue that prisoner jump the shark in 1979 ..episode 1 ..but i'd say no way, i think once bea left and the Barnhurst 7/8 or 9 (writers couldn't make up their mind how many there were) showed up the show slowly died.

SMALLVILLE

PLOT: The story of a young Clark kent in the days before he was Superman
WHY: Being a big superman fan i was really excited when i heard about this show, after watching the first seaon my excitement faded. The show was very repetitive.. every week someone found meteors which gave them some power and clark had to stop them - i got bored,... fastforward a few years later and i see the show again this time clark is in the fortress, lois lane appears ..........i'm hooked.
SUPER BITS : Lois and clark scenes, flying scenes, martha kent singing,
BEST EPISODES: Pilot (exciting action packed pilot) devoted ( crazy cheer leaders) spirit ( fun ghost episode)solitude, lexmas, reckoning, zod, crimson, noir ( black and white episode) kara ( supergirl) cure ( dean cain) committed ( clois) infamous ( clark tells all) stiletto ( super lois) doomsday ( the beast) ...every episode of season 9 so far.

JUMP THE SHARK: for me it jumped the shark until season 4, then got nibbled a little during season 7 ........then it got on a rescue boat and got far far away from the shark during season 8/9

TOP 5 WORST X FILES EPISODES

TOP 5 WORST X FILES EPISODES

My top 5 worst x files episodes in no particular order

Improbable (s9)

SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: Numbers, God, music

MY THOUGHTS: To quote comic book guy "worst episode ever " this episode features numerology, bad music and worst of all Burt (plastic face) Reynolds, who plays Mr Burt - great imagination there Mr Carter. You can tell that Chris Cater is trying to do a Darin Morgan style episode however Carter fails to include the main component of a funny episode ..COMEDY.

WORST MOMENT: Mr Burt dancing and singing as it reminded me of Saturday night at work

Space (s1)

SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: Mars, face, space

MY THOUGHTS: Another awful Chris Carter episode and this one makes less sense than improbable, it looks like Cater has done an Ed wood and constructed a story around some old stock footage. Gillian Anderson is given hardly anything to do, her part includes standing about staring with no clue whats going on ...kinda like the rest of us.

WORST MOMENT: When Belt's face morphs into the face on mars, scully discounts any paranormal activity saying he’s having some kind of a seizure....yeah that's what it is.

SUNSHINE DAYS (S9)

SUMMARY IN THREE WORDS: The brady bunch

MY THOUGHTS: a guy who can control everything with his mind makes his house appear like the brady bunch house with the brady's in it ...because he obsessed with it or something. I usually love the quirky /funny episodes but this ain't any of the above it's just annoying shit.

WORST MOMENT: So many.. but Skinner floating in mid air is truly awful

ALL THINGS (S9)
SUMMARY IN THREE WORDS: scully scully scully


MY THOUGHTS: Gillian Anderson's first attempt at writing and directing ...and hopefully the last. The main problem i have with this episode is that it's so non x files and every scene just seems to be scully wandering around sometimes in slow motion and whats with the bad techno music ?

WORST MOMENT: Mulder wearing a woman's jacket - why ??

SALVAGE (s8)
SUMMARY IN THREE WORDS: Crappy metal man

SUMMARY IN THREE WORDS: A robot type guy that's going around killing people...yawn, even the T2 injokes didn't keep me interested, a very poor episode.

WORST MOMENT: Every scene

The Star Wars Holiday Special': May the farce be with you.

A few hours ago in a galaxy no to far away... Kez Solo convinced her friends Darth phantom and Princess Amanda to watch the documents of life day little did they know how pish it would be............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it." (george Lucas)

Having read this quote before seeing the Star wars holiday special, i thought oh come on Mr Lucas it can't be that bad,.... now having seen this i have to agree however after smashing every copy with a sledgehammer i would have to move on to the writers and cast.

I have to admit i have sat through some shit in my time but this really is the worst thing i have ever seen.

THE PLOT ACCORDING TO ME

Chewbacca and Hans Solo are trying to get back to chewies family in time for life day, Chewbaccas family include wife Malla, son lumpy, and Grampa Itchy, hmmmmmmmm could the names be any worse?? Itchy and lumpy sound like pervy defective dwarfs that didn't get to hang out with snow white and Malla is just awful.

Anyway the Wookie family hang about their home which could possibly be George Lucas basement, they pass the time by watching many monitors, cooking, and wailing as they look at a photo of chewie,..... yes we get it it's life day and he's not there.....meanwhile bad music plays, an old guy appears and Bea Arthur (future golden girl) sings ..badly. The main cast appear for minutes and you can tell from their expressions that they are not happy ...well all apart from Mark Hamil who had more make up on than a Las vegas transvestite show girl, therefore his expression was difficult to see.

AND FINALLY

David Hofstede, author of What Were They Thinking?: The 100 Dumbest Events in Television History, ranked the holiday special at number one, calling it "the worst two hours of television ever. I have to agree i dare anyone to sit through the special without skipping ahead, i bet you can't because if you did you would probably slip into a deep coma, it really is that bad.

1/10

TOP 5 X FILES EPISODES

My top 5 greatest x file episodes - in no particluar order

War of the Coprohaghes (s3)

SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: cockroaches, Robotics, Bambi.

MY THOUGHTS: a very cool episode, cleary inspired by war of the worlds - Darin Morgan proves that he is and always will be the greatest x files writer. My favourite bits include all the deaths and scully's rational explantion for each one, - straining to much on the toilet, drug abuse, allergies :) but you have to feel sorry for scully in this episode her big exciting weekend at home includes eating ice cream and reading a book ..and everytime the phone rings she assumes it's Mulder - awwww :(

FAVOURITE QUOTES:

Scully: I'm not going to ask if you just said what I think you just said, because I know it's what you said
Mulder: Bambi also has a theory I've come to acro...

Scully: Who?

Mulder: Dr. Berenbaum. Anyway her theory is...

Scully: Her name is Bambi?

Mulder: Yeah. Both her parents were naturalists. Her theory is that UFO's are actually nocturnal insect swarms passing through electrical air fields.

Scully: Her name is Bambi?

BAMBI BERENBAUM: You know, many insects don't develop wings until their last molting stage. Perhaps whatever these things were, they had their final molt and have flown off back to wherever they originated.

SCULLY: Yeah, that would explain everything.

FRASS: you two ought to go home and get some rest. You look pooped.

Jose Chung "From outer space" (S3)

SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: Aliens, military, hypnosis

MY THOUGHTS Another Darin Morgan classic, i love every moment from the starwars style opening to the thought provoking ending "For although we may not be alone in the universe, in our own separate ways on this planet, we are all... alone." My fav bits include the alien autopsy and mulders scream when he sees the dead alien.

FAVOURITE QUOTES

1ST MAN IN BLACK: No other object as been misidentified as a flying saucer more often than the planet Venus

BLAINE FAULKNER: You can't suppress the truth! The people have a right to know! Roswell... Roswell!

BAD BLOOD (S5)

SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: vampires, Pizza, Autopsy

MY THOUGHTS: A very clever, witty episode, we have scully's version of events then mulders - both equally hilarious. Luke Wilson is great as Sheriff Hartwell-probably my favourite MOTW episode.

FAVOURITES QUOTES

SCULLY: Well, it's obviously not a vampire.
MULDER: Well, why not?
SCULLY: Because they don't exist?

Squeeze/ Tooms (S1)

SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: livers, vents, bile

MY THOUGHTS I must have been 11 or 12 when i first saw this episode and it scared me, but i still bought the video and watched it many times. Watching it now i can see it has many flaws and can be a bit OTT at times - "I'm Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure" but it still entertains and reminds me of the show that x files once was.

FAVOURITE QUOTES

FRANK BRIGGS: When I first heard about the death camps in 1945, I remembered Palhatton Mill. When I see the kurds and the bosnians, that room is there, I tell ye. It's like all the horrible acts that humans are capable of, somehow, gave birth to some kind of, human monster. That's why I say I've been waiting for you. Aah, there's a box in the trunk here, get it for me, would you please.

QUAGMIRE (S3)

SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: Monster, Lake, rock

MY THOUGHTS When i think about x files this episode always pops into my mind - it has everything an x file should have, - dark woods, a monster, and great dialoge between mulder and scully. My favourite bits include the coversation on the rock and Queequag's death :)

FAVOURITE QUOTES
MULDER: I'm still tempted to fire

SCULLY: Well, there's still hope. That's why these missing stories have endured. People want to believe

other great episodes include: ice, triangle, hollywood ad, detour, folie a deux, pusher, small potatoes..........

RITA BEATER MAID

Let me begin by asking - do you remember the great aussie soap prisoner cell block h if no.... you are an idiot.

Prisoner is a show i grew up watching, sure it featured some trully awful acting and it's considered silly and unrealistic but to me it's a show with heart, no other show has made me laugh or cry like prisoner.

So when the oppurtunity to meet Glenda Linscott aka Rita the Beater came up i jumped at the chance, the meeting took place in a small bar which i shall call Mels having already met another prisoner star there i expected the same kind of evening - a desperate star trying to sell crud and really wishing they weren't there however Glenda was none of the above, she was down to earth and was very happy to meet and greet her fans ....all 8 of them (snigger)

As usual i dragged my friend Luke who had just seen her in prisoner the week before. We sat waiting for her to come over, at this point we were quite nervous i was nervous because i didn't know what to say and Luke was nervous because he wasn't much of a fan and therefore had nothing to say. The moment arrived we introduced ourselves and i broke the ice by saying that she hadn't aged a bit... i wasn't being sarcastic she looked the same as she did in prisoner as if she had time travled from the 80s. She seemed very interested in us who we were how we liked the show, i was wearing a check shirt, she asked if it was my prisoner shirt -( a memory i will cherish forever ) she also gave Luke buissness advice which was very srange and surreal.

I also asked her if there was any chance of Prisoner the movie or a remake and she said that she has been approached and maybe just maybe there will be a new prisoner cell block h - yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:):)

In conclusion it was a good night, it was cool to met someone who was happy with there fame and liked to talk about it all i can say is ...bring on the freak :)

I was so thrilled i wrote this song :)

Lovely Rita beater maid
Lovely Rita beater maid

Lovely Rita beater maid,
Nothing could ever beat you .
When it gets dark I have to run away.

Standing by a parking meter,
When I caught a glimpse of Rita,
beating up a prisoner using her left hook
In a bandana she looked much older,
And the bag across her shoulder
Made her look a little like a biker man.

Lovely Rita beater maid,
May I inquire discreetly,
When are you free to watch some prisoner with me? (Rita!)


Met her out to see what she thinks
Had a laugh and over drinks
Told her I would never like to see her again.
Got the bill and i paid it.
Then sat down I never made it,
Sitting on the sofa with a gay or two.

Oh, lovely Rita beater maid,
Where would I be without you?
Give us money back and make me think of you.
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Rita

HOW THE GHOSTS STOLE £70

So i have this life list, with things that i want to do and once i've done them i tick it off, on sat night i got to tick off number 5: Go on a ghosthunting investigation.

DISCLAIMER - Any resemblance to actual persons, LIVING or DEAD, is unintentional and purely coincidental......HAHA

"Is there anybody there.........can you flush the toilet" ??

The investigation took place in a old haunted hotel in Wishton, i made my fiend Luke go with me as he owed me one (see last blog) Well anyway here's the jist of what happened, Luke, myself, others and a team of ghost experts carried out spooky investigations throughout the night, in hope of finding some proof that there is indeed life after death.

The team of experts (snigger) comprised of 2 woman and 3 men, one of the woman claimed to be a medium ........but i would say she was more of an extra large haaaaaaaa.

The investigation took place from 9pm to 3 am. For the mere price of £35pp you got to do such ghostly activities such as :

- Moving a glass around a table

- Moving another glass around a different table

- EMF recordings which satnds for electric - mo...something according to the ghost expert

- Holding crystals and rods that only move when you ask the spirits questions.

- A seance " Are you there Michael Jackson ?" ..............................>

- Walking up and down stairs

MULDER: You don't believe in ghosts?
SCULLY: That surprises you?
MULDER: Well... Yeah. I thought everybody believed in ghosts.

However the night wasn't a total loss, highlights included medium womans fake asthma attack/ fake trance, her trance was really something, with the acting abilty of an eastenders extra she twisted her face and said "Wenches, your all Wenches". I've never wanted to laugh so much in my entire life, i looked around to see if anyone else was having the same problem, i could see that Luke was finding it difficult not to snigger ...but the others were swallowing it up like fools, they were even asking her questions - yeah i have a question "why don't you stop conning people you big fatty moo moo"

"Are you bad or evil "

It was coming up for 3 am and everyone was tired or drained as they say in spirit speak, so Luke and i dashed to the door ..where we were stopped by a man with long grey hair and a beard .." Thou shall not pass this way" ..when i asked about this man i was told that his name was jack and he died ......10 YEARS ...AGO ...i'm kidding he was just some old nut that worked there haa. We couldn't get out the door and there was no other way out so we went through a fire exit and over a wall - despite my fear of climbing and heights i managed it.

I have always been the kind of person that has to experience something before i mock it .......so i'm free to mock away, i can say without a doubt that nothing paranormal happened, the glass moved around the table bacause people including myself were pushing it. The ghosts that made contact: the vicar, full stop and Barley were all made up...and the EMF went off because it was near electricity. The trance was clearly an act and i didn't feel scared at any point.

as Scully once said ....

"I mean, that a spirit would materialize or return for no other purpose than to show itself is silly and ridiculous. I mean, what it really shows is how silly and ridiculous we have become in believing such things".

A GEEKY LOOK AT MODERN ART AND YUCKY VEG

lUKE: " Gallery of modern art? .....Gallery of modern pish"

My friend Luke asked me if i wished to join him and the group to the modern art gallery to see an LGBT exhibition, it sounded interesting so i said yes.
The group consisted of three guys, for the purposes of this blog i shall call them Hanks, Biff, and Gio :) so anyway we made of way into the building i went in with an open mind but deep down i knew it be shit :) - the "art" included a tree with a penis coming out of it, a video of a woman shoving pages from the bible in her bra/pants, a spring, and darth vader in a bra - the geek in me was outraged that they would show the sith lord in this way lol ...........oh and i almost forgot a painting of two old women in their underwear -as a nurse who takes care of the elderly i see enougth of this. :) Luke and i laughed our way through the exhibition while the others seemed interested, after what seemed a life time we made our way to the gift shop where i thought i saw a picture of C3P0 and leaped forward to have a better look sadly it was just a woman in bondage gear - i really should go for that eye test.
It was time for lunch yum yum - where would we go?? TGI'S, Frankie and Benny's??....... nooooooo it would be none of the above :( Hanks could only eat certain things because of his religion, Biff was a veggie, gio was fussy and luke suffers from what i call Milhouse syndrome hahaha, so we ended up going to a Vegetarian place which i shall call crudio. I didn't like anything on the menu..... Hanks, Biff and Gio were all.. oh cous cous with salad and sweet potatoe chips ........so in the end i copied Luke and just got veg Fajitas, i thought i wouldn't miss the meat turns out it's the meat that gives it taste.
SO WHAT I'VE LEARNED
1. Modern art sucks
2. Veggie options may be healthy but they taste like shit
3. seeing Modern art + eating Veggie food makes me a really good friend :)
4. From a distance a woman in bondage gear looks like C3P0

Psychics are full of crap

I went to see a psychic a while ago with my friends, i'm a bit of a skeptic when it comes to psychics however i thought i'd give the guy a chance. The show started at 7.30 so we got there early and took a seat, the place was packed and reeked of pish possibly from the 90% of old women that were there. The guy came out he was fat and bald and looked more like a wrestler than a psychic. " I'm getting the name John" was the first thing he said i wanted to leave, almost everyone in the hall put their hand up he picked out this old women and said it's your father, he passed on due to problems in his chest or abdomen. The old lady was amazed, the auidence gasped,.......... i vomited. The old lady is about 90 clearly her father is dead and problems with the chest or abdomen covers quite a lot of illnesses. He continued with vauge rubbish like:You have a box of old unsorted photographs in your house.( who doesn't?)You're having problems with a friend or relative ( Everyone has problems with friends and family)At the break i heard 2 old women discussing the show and saying how immpressed they were. He's amazing How does he do it? i turned around and said he uses a technique called cold reading, i went on to explain that conmen use it in order to convince another person that they know much more about them than they actually do. Even without prior knowledge of a given person, a cold reader could still quickly obtain a great deal of information about his subject by carefully analyzing his or her body language clothing or fashion hairstyle gender religion race or ethnicity education level, manner of speech and place of origin. This is called profiling They looked at me blankly and said yeah but how did he know that womans man was called john? I gave up, if people want to believe in rubbish it's up to them . My opinion ALL PSYCHICS ARE FULL OF CRAP.....

My X files i want to believe review at last

It was 1994 and i was 11 years old, my dad informed me that there was new show about aliens on a at 9.00, It was called the X FILES. As a younster i was fascinated by the idea of life on other planets...... you could say i wanted to believe;)The years went by and my love/obsession for the show grew and grew and after 7 great seasons, 2 not so good seasons and an ok movie it ended :(The years went by and i dreamed of second movie, i believed in XF2 .....and in the summer of 2008 my dream came true.....The x files: i want to believe was being made. I longed for a monster of the week type movie with a twist, mulder and scully would be back at the FBI and it would be dark and scary, however i want to believe provided none of this :( instead we got a preachy story about stem cells, pedophile priests and body parts. The film was confusing and at times made no sense, there was many questions, like:-

Why did the doctors go to all that trouble to help some ex altar boy ?-

Why did he have to have a womans body, i'm sure there were some guys with that blood type- Why was Billy Connolly, Amanda Peet and Xzibit cast??-

What was the guy who worked at the pool all about ??

The film was really bad i hadn't felt such disappointment since seeing Star wars ep 1 the phantom menace :( it could have been great, a major comeback instead it was one of the worst movies of 2008. As i write this there is word of a third film - lets hope that Mr carter and co come up with something better for i want to believe in XF3 :)

RAITING3/5

QUOTES Fox Mulder: Don't give up.[he pauses as he follows Scully to her car]

Why would he say such a thing to you?

Dana Scully: I think that was clearly meant for you, Mulder.

Fox Mulder: He didn't say it to me; he said it to you.