Sunday, 20 September 2009

The Star Wars Holiday Special': May the farce be with you.

A few hours ago in a galaxy no to far away... Kez Solo convinced her friends Darth phantom and Princess Amanda to watch the documents of life day little did they know how pish it would be............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it." (george Lucas)

Having read this quote before seeing the Star wars holiday special, i thought oh come on Mr Lucas it can't be that bad,.... now having seen this i have to agree however after smashing every copy with a sledgehammer i would have to move on to the writers and cast.
I have to admit i have sat through some shit in my time but this really is the worst thing i have ever seen.


Chewbacca and Hans Solo are trying to get back to chewies family in time for life day, Chewbaccas family include wife Malla, son lumpy, and Grampa Itchy, hmmmmmmmm could the names be any worse?? Itchy and lumpy sound like pervy defective dwarfs that didn't get to hang out with snow white and Malla is just awful.

Anyway the Wookie family hang about their home which could possibly be George Lucas basement, they pass the time by watching many monitors, cooking, and wailing as they look at a photo of chewie,..... yes we get it it's life day and he's not there.....meanwhile bad music plays, an old guy appears and Bea Arthur (future golden girl) sings ..badly. The main cast appear for minutes and you can tell from their expressions that they are not happy ...well all apart from Mark Hamil who had more make up on than a Las vegas transvestite show girl, therefore his expression was difficult to see.

David Hofstede, author of What Were They Thinking?: The 100 Dumbest Events in Television History, ranked the holiday special at number one, calling it "the worst two hours of television ever. I have to agree i dare anyone to sit through the special without skipping ahead, i bet you can't because if you did you would probably slip into a deep coma, it really is that bad.


Saturday, 12 September 2009


My top 5 greatest x file episodes - in no particluar order

War of the Coprohaghes (s3)

SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: cockroaches, Robotics, Bambi.

MY THOUGHTS: a very cool episode, cleary inspired by war of the worlds - Darin Morgan proves that he is and always will be the greatest x files writer. My favourite bits include all the deaths and scully's rational explantion for each one, - straining to much on the toilet, drug abuse, allergies :) but you have to feel sorry for scully in this episode her big exciting weekend at home includes eating ice cream and reading a book ..and everytime the phone rings she assumes it's Mulder - awwww :(

Scully: I'm not going to ask if you just said what I think you just said, because I know it's what you said
Mulder: Bambi also has a theory I've come to acro...
Scully: Who?
Mulder: Dr. Berenbaum. Anyway her theory is...
Scully: Her name is Bambi?
Mulder: Yeah. Both her parents were naturalists. Her theory is that UFO's are actually nocturnal insect swarms passing through electrical air fields.
Scully: Her name is Bambi?

BAMBI BERENBAUM: You know, many insects don't develop wings until their last molting stage. Perhaps whatever these things were, they had their final molt and have flown off back to wherever they originated.
SCULLY: Yeah, that would explain everything.

FRASS: you two ought to go home and get some rest. You look pooped.

Jose Chung "From outer space" (S3)

SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: Aliens, military, hypnosis

MY THOUGHTS Another Darin Morgan classic, i love every moment from the starwars style opening to the thought provoking ending "For although we may not be alone in the universe, in our own separate ways on this planet, we are all... alone." My fav bits include the alien autopsy and mulders scream when he sees the dead alien.


1ST MAN IN BLACK: No other object as been misidentified as a flying saucer more often than the planet Venus

BLAINE FAULKNER: You can't suppress the truth! The people have a right to know! Roswell... Roswell!


SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: vampires, Pizza, Autopsy

MY THOUGHTS: A very clever, witty episode, we have scully's version of events then mulders - both equally hilarious. Luke Wilson is great as Sheriff Hartwell-probably my favourite MOTW episode.


SCULLY: Well, it's obviously not a vampire.
MULDER: Well, why not?
SCULLY: Because they don't exist?

Squeeze/ Tooms (S1)

SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: livers, vents, bile

MY THOUGHTS I must have been 11 or 12 when i first saw this episode and it scared me, but i still bought the video and watched it many times. Watching it now i can see it has many flaws and can be a bit OTT at times - "I'm Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure" but it still entertains and reminds me of the show that x files once was.


FRANK BRIGGS: When I first heard about the death camps in 1945, I remembered Palhatton Mill. When I see the kurds and the bosnians, that room is there, I tell ye. It's like all the horrible acts that humans are capable of, somehow, gave birth to some kind of, human monster. That's why I say I've been waiting for you. Aah, there's a box in the trunk here, get it for me, would you please.


SUMMARY IN 3 WORDS: Monster, Lake, rock

MY THOUGHTS When i think about x files this episode always pops into my mind - it has everything an x file should have, - dark woods, a monster, and great dialoge between mulder and scully. My favourite bits include the coversation on the rock and Queequag's death :)

MULDER: I'm still tempted to fire

SCULLY: Well, there's still hope. That's why these missing stories have endured. People want to believe

other great episodes include: ice, triangle, hollywood ad, detour, folie a deux, pusher, small potatoes..........

Sunday, 6 September 2009


Let me begin by asking - do you remember the great aussie soap prisoner cell block h if no.... you are an idiot.

Prisoner is a show i grew up watching, sure it featured some trully awful acting and it's considered silly and unrealistic but to me it's a show with heart, no other show has made me laugh or cry like prisoner.

So when the oppurtunity to meet Glenda Linscott aka Rita the Beater came up i jumped at the chance, the meeting took place in a small bar which i shall call Mels having already met another prisoner star there i expected the same kind of evening - a desperate star trying to sell crud and really wishing they weren't there however Glenda was none of the above, she was down to earth and was very happy to meet and greet her fans ....all 8 of them (snigger)

As usual i dragged my friend Luke who had just seen her in prisoner the week before. We sat waiting for her to come over, at this point we were quite nervous i was nervous because i didn't know what to say and Luke was nervous because he wasn't much of a fan and therefore had nothing to say. The moment arrived we introduced ourselves and i broke the ice by saying that she hadn't aged a bit... i wasn't being sarcastic she looked the same as she did in prisoner as if she had time travled from the 80s. She seemed very interested in us who we were how we liked the show, i was wearing a check shirt, she asked if it was my prisoner shirt -( a memory i will cherish forever ) she also gave Luke buissness advice which was very srange and surreal.
I also asked her if there was any chance of Prisoner the movie or a remake and she said that she has been approached and maybe just maybe there will be a new prisoner cell block h - yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:):)

In conclusion it was a good night, it was cool to met someone who was happy with there fame and liked to talk about it all i can say is ...bring on the freak :)

I was so thrilled i wrote this song :)

Lovely Rita beater maid
Lovely Rita beater maid

Lovely Rita beater maid,
Nothing could ever beat you .
When it gets dark I have to run away.

Standing by a parking meter,
When I caught a glimpse of Rita,
beating up a prisoner using her left hook
In a bandana she looked much older,
And the bag across her shoulder
Made her look a little like a biker man.

Lovely Rita beater maid,
May I inquire discreetly,
When are you free to watch some prisoner with me? (Rita!)

Met her out to see what she thinks
Had a laugh and over drinks
Told her I would never like to see her again.
Got the bill and i paid it.
Then sat down I never made it,
Sitting on the sofa with a gay or two.

Oh, lovely Rita beater maid,
Where would I be without you?
Give us money back and make me think of you.
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Rita